Donald Trumps Guide to Warped Tour

Disclaimer: this article is for entertainment purposes only. It does not reflect the values and opinions of Chomper Magazine, it’s contributors, or anyone else associated with the article. Except Donald Trump.

With summer just around the corner, punk fans are eagerly awaiting the start of their favorite summer music festival, Vans Warped Tour. Believe us, it’s one of our favorites too. So to help you get in the spirit, we are bringing you a quick guide to Warped Tour from our new president, Donald Trump.

Let’s get into it! Here are 5 tips to help you have a good time at Warped Tour this summer, straight from the tyrant, *ahem*, sorry, “president” himself.

Photo: Lindsay Neilson

Hello everyone, Donald J Trump here, coming to you from the “winter white house” where I am currently enjoying yet another round of tax-funded golf. An associate of mine recently mentioned that he wanted to get his hands in the pockets of the music industry. With my ability to draw tremendous crowds(certainly larger than ANY other president), I got to thinking, I probably know a thing or two about entertainment. So, I have decided to make myself an authority on the topic, with no experience. After all, there’s enough fake news out there! What we need is a business man to do journalist’s jobs. Just look at how I’m doing as president! So here are my tips for surviving the free-thinking, liberal hell you call the Warped Tour.

Avoid Animal Rights Activists

Those pandas that they love so much are taking AMERICAN zoo’s! And when china sends its pandas, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing bamboo. They’re bringing crime. They’re Rapists. And some, I assume, are good pandas.

Boycott TEI

Education in the music industry should come from private universities. Not actual musicians who CARE about the next generation of artists! If nobody is making millions off of it, then whats the point?

Skip the Hydration Stations

What do you think water should be clean, free, AND accessible to all? Just buy bottled and write it off on your taxes as a “business expense.” They’ll never know. Trust me, you know, I’m like a smart person.

Go See War On Women

I don’t know who they are, because between failed healthcare proposals and bombing empty foreign air bases I obviously don’t have time to listen to them, but I like their name! Something about it just speaks to me…

Build the Wall(Of Death)!!

It’s going to be a great wall, a fantastic wall, a phenomenal wall, ideally 30 feet high, and it will take at least an hour to break through with your fists or other wall clearing devices.

 

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